Here I grow...

As of September 1st it will have been 2 weeks since we’ve moved into our beautiful Wyalusing farm house. I never imagined myself a “country girl” or living in a large farm style home on so many gorgeous green acres but I must say I absolutely love it and we hope to live here for a very long time!

We’ve made a lot of progress and have quite a bit unpacked. Of course there’s the “little” things like hanging pictures and organizing my clothes but overall we are settling in quite nicely and I find that I fall in love with our home, land, and community more every day. I wake up with a smile on my face every morning - what a glorious feeling that is! 

It has been absolutely wonderful having my in-laws across the street. They’ve truly been such a blessing to me, all of the kids, and my husband. Their kindness and understanding towards me has been so needed during this transition. 

Gracie started her 1st day of pre-k homeschool (although I use mainly kindergarten curriculum) on the 26th and she LOVED it!  I enjoyed being “Teacher Keeler” and we shared many smiles while learning math, writing, reading, and the days of the week. Charlie Joy joined in the fun for a little while until it was her nap time. The big kids all started school on the 26th which is why I picked that day for Gracie to start so she felt included and special. I’ll do the same for Charlie Joy when she’s 3 yrs old. 

It hasn’t always been so great, however. Too often blogs & various social media pages make it seem as though our lives are unrealistically perfect. I’m here to tell you the past few weeks have been TOUGH!

Moving was difficult to say goodbye to those I love and all I knew, but I have felt strong and more than able to handle It as I’ve moved many times throughout my life. If I’m being real, however, what I didn’t expect is for my sometimes strained relationship with my bonus kiddos to become even more strained, not just with me but with my husband too. One of them imparticular has been so difficult, defiant, manipulative, and downright mean that it’s made me feel completely overwhelmed, hurt, and broken. They’re teenagers. I get it. Moving so far away and to such a different place than they’ve been used to must be very difficult for them. I sympathize with them. I care for them and want them to be good, loving, independent, HAPPY adults someday and the older they get the closer they get to adulthood. Which is why this is has been so hard to have such a strained relationship with one of them to the point where in the past I couldn’t talk to them (other than the normal “what would you like from the grocery store? What time is your zoom call for school today? Did you remember to take your vitamins at 7pm? Etc.). Since moving here I DESPERATELY tried to connect with them and have unfortunately found its made things worse. So I’m turning to prayer, meditation, and keeping the conversations/interactions light hearted (“What kind of cereal would you like me to buy you when I go to to town today?”  “I hope you have a great day at school”). 

I woke up around 4am feeling uneasy because I’ve been trying SO hard (too hard) to be the perfect stepmom to them and finally at 6am my husband suggested I go downstairs and pray and read. I chose to read “the power of a praying wife” because it was right there on top of a box in front of me and I felt it was time to open it up!  This is a book my sister gave me my 1st year of marriage. I naively thought “I’ll never need to read a book like that - my marriage is great!”  And yes, I have a lovely marriage. My husband is my best friend and so kind and patient and caring. I’m beyond blessed to have him in my life. But this book spoke about praying for changing YOUR heart, not changing the other persons heart. I knew that’s the answer. Today I stop trying so hard to be the perfect stepmom. I stop pushing my stepkids to meet expectations and hopes my husband and I have for them. Instead, we love them. We keep them safe. And we pray for our hearts (or rather I pray for MY HEART) to soften and change. For me to be a better person and change my ways for the better (whether it’s stressing over the house getting messy or dinner getting burnt or my stepkids saying and doing hurtful things to me - starting today I ignore that stuff and I pray God continues to change and better me). The moral of what I read and took to heart is to lower my expectations. To pray for all my kids, biological or not, in a way that is an act of unselfish, unconditional love, and sacrifice on my part. It’s not about changing them - their beliefs or even bad attitudes, it’s about continuing to pray for those I love without expectations of them doing the same (or doing anything really) for me in return. 

And so week 2 in Wyalusing begins with prayer and gratitude!